Homer: I’ll have the smiley face breakfast special. Uhh, but could you add a bacon nose? Plus bacon hair, bacon mustache, five o’clock shadow made of bacon bits and a bacon body.
Waitress: How about I just shove a pig down your throat?
(Homer looks excited)
Waitress: I was kidding.
Homer: Fine, but the bacon man lives in a bacon house!
Waitress: No he doesn’t!
Like Homer Simpson I share a love for Bacon. Bacon is the smell of morning. I fondly remember the smell of Bacon being cooked on a campfire, mingling with the smell of coffee. It would lure even the hardiest sleeper into the cold mountain air. Bacon is the most American of American food. It ranks up there with apple pie and baseball in American lore.
Thelma Cotton-teys-Mahatma-Smith wrote in her best-selling book Bacon and The Growing Economic Debt of Eastern Nations and Third World Countries. "Bacon manufacture is the predominate reason for the success of Western Nations".
Her book suggests that Bacon is the difference between the civilized and uncivilized world. This interested me so much I actually left my office and called her from Juan Williams old office down the hall. I wanted to know how Bacon could have such an influence on the world. The following is a recording of that call.
:transcript of recording:
Me: "Hi this is Juan Williams with NPR, May I speak with Thelma please?"
Thelma: "This is she...wait...I thought NPR fired you?"
Me: "That is an ugly rumor."
Thelma: "I see."
Me: "So, in our book you suggest that Bacon is what makes a nation civilized. Do you have an example of this?"
Me: "What do you mean?"
Thelma: "Canada does not make Bacon."
Me: "They have Canadian Bacon."
Thelma: "They also claim the Maple Leaf's are a Hockey Team."
Me: "Point Taken."
Thelma: "Are you sure you are Juan Williams?"
Me: "Yes, quite sure."
Thelma: "I see."
Me: "Well you must admit that Canada has better Health Care than the United States?"
Thelma: "Actually I don't have to admit anything...any country that calls Ham...Bacon..wouldn't know the difference. Not to mention they call the Blue Jays a baseball team."
Me: "Point taken. Well thanks for your time."
:end of transcript:
My producer was very happy that I have been able to interject Socialized Healthcare into the conversation. However, he has reminded me that I have been on air about two minutes and have said nothing about Global Warming.
This has forced me to go on a dangerous journey by private jet, with a security escort, and cases of purified Andean Rain Forest Water to Split Lick, West Virginia. I would be interviewing a large family of Bacon makers...and take pictures of coal mines that I can doctor up later.
:start of Recorded Transcript:
Me: "This in Juan Williams here in Split Lick, West Virginia with Baxter Franklin and his wife Jenny."
Baxter: "Didn't NPR fire you?"
Me: "That is a vicious right-wing lie."
Baxter: "You don't look black."
Me: "Do you own a color TV?"
Me: "I think it may be broken....So I hear you are the biggest Bacon Maker in this area?"
Baxter: "Yes sir...me and the missus been making Bacon for almost 20 years...got 22 children to show for it."
Me: "How you do make Bacon?"
Me: "Well do you smoke it?"
Baxter: "I ain't never seen no smoke..but it does get hot..ain't that right Jenny?"
Jenny: "Yeah is gets hot alright."
Me: "Ah...so you are going green...that is nice...do you boil it with solar powered water boilers?"
Me: "Or do you bake it over geothermal vents?"
Baxter: "Son, I don't think you understand what Makin' Bacon means?"
Me: "Mr. Baxter I am a hard nosed reporter..and I will get to the bottom of this criminal Global Warming activity of your's."
Jenny: "Why don't we let Bubba show him what Makin' Bacon means?"
Baxter: "Now Jenny, your brother is touched...and I don't think even this little man deserves that. Hell, the pigs have been complaining."
Me: "Ah HA! I knew it...you don't want me talking to Bubba...he must be a whistle blower...and apparently the police are involved."
Baxter: "Well something like that...depending on what you mean by whistle? And Yes...the police have visited one or twice."
Me: "I demand to speak with Bubba RIGHT NOW!!"
:end of transcript:
What happened that night was unholy, and had nothing to do with actual Bacon..though I did squeal like a pig many times. The story has not been a total bust though. I did make references to Socialized Medicine..and Global Warming. I also made fun of people in a State I know nothing about. Best of all...I did it in the name of Juan Williams.
(The preceding is a parody of NPR's All Things Considered...in resemblance to people living or dead is on purpose.)